big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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