Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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