i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
