White coat. Heels.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
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