Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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