im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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