I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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