Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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