this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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