I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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