I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
