I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
