My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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