Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Randomize
