how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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