is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
