Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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