a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
