i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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