ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
