final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
