I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
So much Jack, so little girl.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
