If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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