Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
