i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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