yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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