My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
