false alarm. still invincible.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
