I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
