After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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