Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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