cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
