I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
