The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
