I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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