I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
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