i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
two words: eviction party
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
