My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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