I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
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