I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
