I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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