Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
