A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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