I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
