I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Randomize
