I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
