why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
