I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Oh god it's open bar.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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