The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
