Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
