In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
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