I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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