My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
