My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Just puked most of my soul out..
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
