i was born a porn star she said
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
