I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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