We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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