I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
