That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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