i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
