i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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