Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
