so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
