i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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