Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
